Yes SIR, Mr officer SIR!
by Andy0001z
Summary: These are the events after Lister announces his exam result at the end of Balance of Power. Rimmer decides to show Lister what it means to be an officer. Holly has started the officer induction program which unbeknown to Lister will be less than fun.
1. Yes Sir

**High all, I'm back did you miss me? OK maybe not. Well here is my latest fic, we kick things off back in season 1 when Lister has just told Rimmer he has passed the exam to become an officer. This is what happens next. I always felt that Doug and Rob could of had more fun with this, so here is my version. Reviews very welcome.**

* * *

Rimmer stood at the end of the corridor, the news of what he had just heard sank into his very core as if he had been harpooned by a whalers gun. Lister was an officer, OK maybe not a very high ranking one but he was technically now more senior than himself. '_Lister more senior than him, this really was a low point in his career_' thought Rimmer.

He found Lister still grinning back at their quarters. He was sitting at the table tucking into his prize cake that he had made for the exam, big chunks of cake were dropping from Listers mouth while great waves of cream dripped from his chin.

"Arrhh Lister, there you are, I just wanted to say well done." Said Rimmer through sneered lips.

Lister looked up and could not help notice the angst that Rimmer was going through.

"Cheers man, but it won't change anything you know."

Rimmer walked over to the basin and looked at his hollow reflection in the mirror. '_Sure it won't you goit!_' thought Rimmer.

"I guess this means you will be moving out into one of the officer quarters now does it?" he asked Lister.

Without looking round Lister shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I could, but I thought I would hang around here a bit longer."

Another jab hit Rimmer, he was going to stay here and rub salt into his wounds. Well he could rise above it he was better than that. He straightened and turned to face Lister, then walking up to the table edge he clicked his heels together and gave Lister a full single Rimmer salute.

"Arnold J. Rimmer reporting for Duty Sir?" he said in his best tone.

Lister half looked at Rimmer standing there waiting for him to say something. "What, oh yeah right. It's OK Rimmer I don't need anything right now." Said Lister going back to his cake.

Ok so that was the way he was going to play it thought Rimmer, well he was not going to let him get away with it that easy. If Lister wanted to play at officer material he was going to have to act like one.

"Sir, if I may, I could not help notice the large pile of mandates in the Drive room that need an officers signature. Can I get the skutters to fetch them for you sir?" said Rimmer still at full attention.

Lister stopped eating the cake and looked up at Rimmer with his chest flung out far to far. "It's OK man, they don't need doing, Holly can take care of it, isn't that right Hol?"

Holly appeared on the screen. "What, oh yeah no probs Dave."

Rimmer lips slowly spread into a smile. "Actually sir, space core directive 495a states that every officer found to be left in command must action all tasks to ensure the continued success of the ship and mission."

Lister picked up another large slice of the cake. "Right now Rimmer my mission is to finish this cake and failure to do so will result in a serious emptiness of my stomach." Said Lister stuffing the slice into his mouth.

Rimmer turned to leave. "I see, well I will just be going then."

Lister did not look up from his cake orgy and waved his chocolate covered fingers.

* * *

Outside Rimmer decided that he would up the level of the game a notch. "If he wants to play officer then I'll show him what being an officer means." He said rubbing his hands together while heading for the Drive room.

Inside the Drive room and Rimmer is browsing the 'New to Officer hood guide' that Holly had furnished him with and now he was giving Holly some instructions.

"Holly has the officer induction program been run on Listers profile yet?" asked Rimmer.

"No not yet Arnold." said Holly

"Well do you think you could run it please, we would not want to deprive Lister of the perks of the job, now would we?"

Holly knew Rimmer was up to something but he was not sure what, and right now he had bigger concerns so he looked up the program and ran it.

"OK it running." he said.

"Thank you Holly. Oh and Holly" began Rimmer.

"Yes?" said Holly still looking distracted.

"Now that Lister is an officer I think you should redirect the ships urgent event logs to his personal email, oh and make sure you put the extra urgent mail waiting alarm on each one." Said Rimmer grinning.

"I am not sure Dave would like that very much?" said Holly.

"Whether he likes it or not, officers manual page 144 says that if no other commanding officer is around then all ships alarms should be directed to the most senior ranking person, in this case Lister." Said Rimmer.

Holly relented and performed the necessary configurations. "OK, it's done, can I go now, I am rather busy you know." Said Holly.

Rimmer waved a hand at him. "Sure whatever, go."

Rimmer headed back to Lister.

* * *

As Rimmer approached the sleeping quarters he heard the sweet music of revenge. Every 30 seconds a loud ping was emitting from the quarters vid screen, which he guessed correctly was a new message from the event log.

He strolled into the room whistling. "Alright Listy?" he asked.

Lister was sitting at the table with stuffed cotton wool in his ears and a pillow round his head, he looked up at Rimmer as he entered.

"Rimmer man, what the smeg is going on with my mail, I keep getting ship warnings every 30 seconds, and it's driving me crazy. Each one requires action or it won't stop alarming." Said Lister winching as another loud ping emitted from the vid screen.

_'WARNING – Sector 12 requires action. A seal in turbo lift five requires attention'_

"See there is another of the smeggers!" said Lister.

Rimmer tried to look innocent. "Oh I guess it's the ships alarm log going to the most senior ranking person, and that is now you Listy."

"Well how do I make it smegging stop?" said Lister flinging his pillow at the screen as another ping emitted from it.

Rimmer shrugged and walked back out of the room grinning. '_One – nil!_' he thought.

* * *

Lister finally found Rimmer in the cinema watching some old movie about the industrial revolution on mars.

"OFF!" said Lister walking into the darkened room.

Rimmer looked around to see Lister glaring at him. "I was watching that." He said.

"Holly told me, it was you." Said Lister.

"Me what?" replied Rimmer sinking a bit lower in his chair.

Lister walked to the end of the row. "You told Holly to redirect all ship event mails to my personal account. It took me ages to delete them you smeghead."

"Look you wanted to become an officer, I am merely ensuring you realise what that means." Said Rimmer bluntly.

"Well, two can play at this game Rimmer and being a senior officer I want you to retrieve my cigarette stash from your hiding place and stack them neatly in my quarters by 1400hrs. Oh and I know you will do it Rimmer because you like all this officer crap."

Rimmer sighed, he had him there. He stood up. "That's only 15 minutes away. I can't do that."

Lister threw a thumb over his shoulder. "That's an order Mr Rimmer!"

Rimmer glared at him. "You know this means war don't you Lister?"

Lister said nothing as he watched Rimmer quickly leave the cinema.

Lister sat down on one of the chairs. "Hol?" he called.

Holly's image appeared on the large screen. "Yes Dave what is it?"

"Now that I am an officer can I have access to Kochanski's Hollow disc please?" he asked.

Holly remained silent and looked sheepish.

"Holly, what is it?" pushed Lister.

"I was busy OK it was not my fault, I just kind of did it." Said Holly looking nervous.

Listers heart began to pump faster. "Did what Hol?"

"Rimmer asked me to run the officer induction program on your profile." Said Holly.

Lister pushed again. "And?"

"Well until you have completed the induction course certain officer commands and privileged will remain off limits." Finished Holly.

Lister breathed out, at least it was not Kochanskis disc, he thought Holly had lost it.

"And let me guess, those privileges include access to the hollow suite files." Said Lister.

Holly looked guilty. "Sorry Dave, like I said I was up to my neck in ship diagnostics when Rimmer asked me to run it."

"So what's this induction all about Hol?" asked Lister putting his feet up on the chair in front of him and placing his hands behind his head.

"Basically you have to complete a number of computer lead course, pretty standard stuff, health and safety, alien encounters." Holly stopped as Lister interrupted him.

"Alien encounters, what really?" asked Lister.

"Yes Dave, standard Space core protocol, every officer must know what to do in the event life is actually found in the universe." Said Holly.

"Wow, that should be good for a laugh what else?" asked Lister.

"Well according to my records you have to complete a simulation." Said Holly.

"A simulation." Said Lister rolling the word around his mouth. "What's that then?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you but basically over the next 24hrs you will go through one." Said Holly.

Lister sat there for a moment in silence, and then asked. "So what can I do then Holly?"

"Oh loads of cool stuff, you can order a new chair for your office." Said Holly looking pleased.

"A chair?" said Lister

"Yes one with a cup holder and foot recliner if you like." Said Holly.

"Holly, I don't have an office or need a smegging new chair, what else, anything useful or fun?" said Lister who was starting to wonder why he had bothered with this whole escapade.

"A chair with a cup holder is not fun? Oh well, you can order Rimmer around, and you have the command to cancel his annual leave." Said Holly.

"Oh that's a biggy, cancelling his annual leave that will be a right laugh. Forget it Hol, just stick a vid on will ya." Said Lister making himself comfortable.

The titles came up.

'AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMEN'

Lister sighed, got up and left.

**Next time: Rimmer ups his game and Listers simulation test begins.**


	2. What now

**Thanks for reading here is the next bit of the adventure.**

As Rimmer directed the skutters back down to the sleeping quarters with the trolley load of cigarettes he cursed under his breath. "Yes sir, Mr smegging officer sir. I'll give you a smegging cigarette."

As he turned the last corner to their quarters it struck him. Nothing physical, no something far better, an idea.

He knew how much Lister wanted Kochanski back, after all this had been why he had taken the stupid Chef exam in the first place. He also knew that Holly had said he could not have the holo disc until Lister had passed the induction program. Rimmer was going to make dam sure Lister didn't pass this time.

The Skutters finished pilling the cartons on the table as Lister strolled in.

"Alright guys where is Rimmer?" said Lister to the two droids.

One skutter made a motion but the other moved to stop him and then shook its claw at the other as if making a motion not to talk.

"What guys, has Rimmer threatened to take your cowboy hats away again?" said Lister.

The small skutters both nodded with their claws.

"OK, not to worry guys I'll ask Holly." Said Lister.

"Holly" called Lister.

"Yes Dave?" said Holly appearing on the vid screen.

"Where's Rimmer?" asked Lister.

"He is in the Holo Sweet Dave." replied Holly.

"What's he doing there Hol?" said Lister picking up one of the cartons and ripping the seal off. As he did so the compulsory warning vocalised.

"SMOKING CAN KILL YOU, but don't worry we can cure you!"

Lister hated that, it made him feel like giving up, but then what did he have to live for these days, not a lot by all accounts.

"I don't know Dave, he just said he was busy?" said Holly.

Lister lit the cigarette and took a large drag. "URRRHH what the smeg as happened to these, they taste like soap." Said Lister spitting the offending item to the floor.

"Holly, bring Rimmer here right now, his officer wants a word." Said Lister firmly.

"Right'O Dave, give me a tick." Said Holly disappearing momentarily.

He faded back into view. "Hang on a sec something's not right. He's enabled the firewall on the Hollow Sweet, I'm locked out." Said Holly looking frustrated.

Lister turned and headed for the lift. Rimmer was up to something and he wanted to know what.

* * *

Rimmer sat in the light bee interface chair. He was about to do something he didn't like doing very much at all. He was about to interface with the Holo Computer, which would give him access to the ships library and procedures without having to ask Holly and be much much faster. He didn't like it because it reminded him that he was just a computer program running on the mainframe. OK a pretty clever one at that, but still just light made up of billions of zeros and ones. Also being a Hologram meant that he had to rely on others to touch and action physical things, so the computer was his best hope of finding a way to stop Lister fast.

His eyes closed and began to see the world inside the mainframe. In front of him was a series of doors, each labelled with areas of interest. One was marked Ships physiatrist, he made a note to check that out another time. Soon he found the one he was looking for was marked Officer training suite. He opened the door and stepped into the virtual room. The walls shifted and swirled with names of processes and procedures. Rimmer brought up the search engine in his minds eye and thought of what he wanted.

'_Do's and Don'ts as an officer._'

The image swirled and changed and a list of titles displayed before him and he scanned down the list.

**Do's the best way to the top by Rising Star** : 5000 hits (A selection of great tips to get you up the officer ladder and into that captains chair, this guide is a must for any aspiring space cadet.)

**Do's and Don'ts of the officers gym **: 240 hits (Don't get caught sniffing the female cycling only equipment, this guide gives you the basics in what not to do while you work out.)

**The Do's and Don'ts of dining etiquette as an officer** : 2 hits (If you ever find yourself at the captains table this book will be a life saver. Know your soups with our 102 page guide on what's what.)

Rimmer tutted, typical something that he should have read if he had been privileged enough.

The last entry on the list looked more like it.

**Ships Officer Simulation process, do's and don'ts** : 452 hits (Do you have your officer simulation today, then don't delay this book it a must for you.)

'_That's the one_' thought Rimmer as the guide opened in front of him.

'The simulation program is designed to test newly qualified officers to ensure the suitability for command aboard the ship. All applications must fare well in the simulation to gain officer clearance.'

'_So far so good._' Thought Rimmer.

He read on. 'It is not possible to fail the simulation par say.'

'_Smeg that's no good_' thought Rimmer but continued to read.

'However candidates that make repeated mistakes or put the crew at risk will be considered for demotion.'

'_Yes, that's more like it._' Thought Rimmer.

He span on through the text looking for something that would make Lister fail. Then he saw it.

'The simulation is designed to test the applicants reactions to the situation, failure to turn up to the simulation event will result in a bad mark of sizable nature.'

'_Got you!'_ thought Lister, he had him. There was no way Lister was going to be able to make it or even be bothered and Rimmer was going to make sure he was going to be not bothered one little bit.

The program ended and Rimmer blinked as the real world came back into view.

'_Time for plan A.' T_hought Rimmer

* * *

Lister walked towards the Holo Sweet door just as it swished open and Rimmer stepped through.

"Listy, I was just coming to find you." Beamed Rimmer.

"Rimmer what the smeg did you do to my fags?" declared Lister.

"Nothing you didn't want me to do Listy." Said Rimmer.

"What, so you thought I would want my cigarettes tasting like a pack of fresh soap suds did you?" said Lister glaring at him.

"Listy, I thought since they had been in storage some three million years they might be a bit stale, I simply freshened them up a tot. I had the skutters give them the once over in the ships laundry, don't worry I made sure they dried every single packet." Said a concerned sounding Rimmer.

"Rimmer they are smegging ruined, man. Anyway what where you doing in there?" asked Lister pointing to the holosweet.

"Nothing much, just a small glitch in my light bee that I wanted checked out by the Hollow computer." Said Rimmer pointing to his middle.

"Well don't go touching any more of my stuff OK?" said Lister firmly.

Rimmer gave Lister a single arm salute and said. "Yes sir, no touching sir!" and they both headed down the corridor.

As they approached the lift Rimmer spoke up again. "Listy, you know this simulation thingy that you have to do."

Without stopping Lister replied. "Yeah, what of it?"

"Well, you know it's all just a bit overkill don't you, you don't actually need to do it or even pass it. It's just part of those commander tick box things and I know how you hate all that procedure and lickity split stuff Lister." Said Rimmer

"Holly says I have to do it, to get access to officer privileges." Said Lister hitting the button to call the lift.

The lift doors opened and they both stepped inside.

Rimmer tried again. "Well, all I am saying is, don't let it spoil your plans. Hey didn't you want to watch that Zero gravity football vid we found in the mail yesterday?"

Lister eyed him suspiciously, why was Rimmer being nice to him. "Yeah, I was going to save it."

"Why save it for tomorrow when you can spend the afternoon in front of the vid with a few tins, heck maybe make a day of it." Suggested Rimmer.

"Naaa it's OK I was going to check out the supplies on B deck. Holly says he thinks he's found a inventory log of Red Dwarf receiving one thousand Roger Davis calendars." Said Lister looking excited.

"Roger who? Why on earth do you want to go hunting for a bunch of calendars Lister?" said Rimmer in disgust.

"Rimmer man, they are promotional calendars, each page has a different month beauty on it." Said Lister with a far of gaze in his eyes.

Rimmer tutted. "One, these calendars are three millions years out of date and two, the idea of young ladies spread all over the page probably wearing some skimpy outfit it just, well."

"Just what Rimmer?" asked Lister.

"Just a mighty fine idea, I'll help." said Rimmer grinning.

"Sure, whatever Rimmer." said Lister, who decided to not tell Rimmer that these beauties were actually a series of Millennium space bikes.

* * *

The two of them had been searching the supply deck for the last two hours and so far they had found a over 200 socks, 4 pairs of space boots, 4000 pink umbrellas for cocktail glasses and a rather large supply of dried dogs milk.

Lister sat down on one of the crates. "Nothing, it's no good they are not here, forget it Rimmer lets go.

Rimmer mean while had stuck his head into another of the large crates and looked like some sort of headless horse man. He extracted his head and called over to Lister.

"Nope, just a bunch of space jackets in this one." Said Rimmer disappointed.

Lister pulled out a tinny from his jacket and cracked it open to the accompanying hiss. "Rimmer man, let's go I'm bored." He said downing the tin in one swift movement.

Just then a series of loud beeps emitted which was followed by an announcement by Holly.

"Would first catering Officer David Lister please attend the catering hall immediately!"

"Oh smeg this must be the simulation." Said Lister getting up of the crate.

Rimmer looked worried. "No, No probably Holly getting mixed up I wouldn't bother if I were you Listy, come on let's not give up yet, think of those beauties." Said Rimmer winking.

"Rimmer, it's just a pile of space bike pictures, you know." Said Lister making his way towards to the lift.

Rimmers nostrils flared. "YOU GOIT! You mean I have spent two hours of my time searching for SPACE BIKE pictures!"

Lister didn't response and kept heading for the lift.

Rimmer tired a different tact. "Lister I've heard there was a shipment of Cuban cigars for the captain down here somewhere. Come on Listy you and me boys from the dwarf." Said Rimmer shacking his hands out in front of him.

Lister looked over his shoulder and shook his head at the sad sight.

"No, I'm going to see this smegger through." He said.

'_SMEG_' thought Rimmer, if only he could touch things he could off slipped some sleeping pills into Listers beer or better koshed him on the head.

Reluctantly Rimmer followed Lister to the lift.

"Come on man, I don't want to be late!" called Lister.

Rimmer slowed his pace and called "Coming!"

**Next Time : The simulation begins and the story concludes**


	3. Can do will do

**The final part to my little story. Thanks for the reviews, they always help the fingers to keep tapping. Hope you like, and remember it's Better to be Smeg than Dead!**

Lister pushed his way through the two way doors of the ships largest of the many catering halls. Empty and no silent this place had once been the hive of the ship, this is where the crew eat and shared the day's story's. In Listers minds eyes he could still see the gang all seated at their favorite table in the far corner. All tucked out the way from observant officer types but still in a good position for talent spotting. If he closed his eyes he could still here Chen teasing Peterson over his terrible dress sense.

******

"Hey Lister, look at Peterson today he looks like a lolly pop gone wrong" chided Chen.

Peterson raised his fist in mock anger to Chen. "Hey, you leave my clothes out of it OK. I am onto something big here with the ladies you know."

Peterson turned to greet Lister. "Hey Lister, why the long face, no curry on special today my friend?"

Lister heard his own voice. "Naaa, just seen Kris with that officer type again, I'm OK."

Chen and Peterson both stuck out there tongues and pretended to vomit.

Again he heard his own voice. "Hey, you guys know the score, me and Kris it was my dream."

Peterson pulls a chair out for Lister and offers it to him. "Hey, sit down my friend, forget about this one, look around there are plenty of beautiful ladies on board."

The past Lister did look around and his eyes fell on one girl only, Kristine Kochanski.

******

Lister was snapped back to the empty hall by Hollys voice.

"Alright Dave, time for you simulation. Today your simulation leader will be." Holly paused looking slightly less comfortable with what he was going to say, but continued anyway. "errr Rimmer." Stammered Holly finishing.

"Rimmer! Smeg off why Rimmer Holly?" repeated Lister.

"I'm sorry but as the only other remaining member of the crew left he has to do it." Said Holly.

Just then Rimmer walked into the room, a mischievous grin on his face.

Lister looked at him. '_Oh smeg_.' He thought.

"Listy boy, 14 minutes late not a good start." Smiled Rimmer who was now holding a holo clip board and pen.

"Rimmer man that was your fault you took ages getting to the smegging lift and then you made me go via the sleeping quarters because you thought I had left the tap running, which I hadn't." Said Lister.

"Listy, Listy, blaming your junior staff, not taking responsibility for your actions. Tut tut." Said Rimmer while he jotted notes.

"OK Rimmer what do I have to do?" asked Lister looking around at the empty room.

Rimmer looked down at his clip board.

"A small group of guests has just landed in docking bay 1. You have been tasked with preparing a welcome dinner for them. What action will you take?" said Rimmer slowly.

"Easy, I'll whip them up a curry, who doesn't like curry?" replied Lister.

Rimmer wrote down Curry, then put the rubber end into his mouth as if thinking.

"Hmmm, they are from the Bladdern fish society and have a very strict no meat diet." Said Rimmer grinning.

Lister thought for second then countered. "OK, Ill make it without the meat."

Rimmer snorted "One of the guests is known to only eat white food."

Lister sighed. "Rimmer you're making this smeg up, get real!"

Rimmer tapped his clip board. "Listy, its all part of the simulation, now what would you do?"

Lister thought. "OK, Id serve him a bowl of boiled eggs with chilli powder on them." He replied smiling.

Rimmer tuted again.

"What?" questioned Lister.

"Well Listy, you have just killed one of the party and unfortunately for you it was the president of the Bladdern fish society, who also just happens to be the son of the prime minister of Mars. Ergo you have just started a diplomatic incident that has resulted in the death of millions. What a shame."

"WHAT, get out of town!" said Lister looking shocked.

Then after a pause he said "I only cooked him some smegging eggs."

"Yes, but you should of checked that he was not allergic to eggs Listy. I am afraid you have failed." And with that Rimmer tucked the clipboard under his arm and walked out.

Lister stood there, disappointed then he started to think. "Hang on a bleeding second, there is no Prime Minster on Mars, not after they found those Martian lakes it became a drop out dumping ground." Lister chased after Rimmer.

"OY RIMMER, YOU LIEING SNEAKY PIECE OF SMEG, come back here!"

He found Rimmer in the corridor grinning to himself.

"Oy I want a re-test Rimmer you cheated." Said Lister

"I did no such thing, I just made the test a little bit more of a challenge, nothing a real life officer could not of dealt with." Said Rimmer smugly.

"Holly, Holly" called Lister.

Holly appeared on the corridor vid screen. "Yes Dave, what is it?"

"Rimmer cheated at the simulation, therefore it's null and void, I want those privileges now."

Holly thought for a second. "OK Dave, I'll see what I can do." Then disappeared.

Lister grinned, while Rimmer looked on worried.

"Listy, pal, come on you don't need this, think of all the responsibility that goes with it." Said Rimmer squirming.

Lister said nothing.

"Come on, wasn't it better before all this." Asked Rimmer.

Lister looked at him. "Frankly no Rimmer, you get on my smegging nerves with all your I'm more senior in rank crap, so no Rimmer this is going to be better. When Holly gets back we are going to do what I want to do from now on."

Rimmer broke down. "Please Lister this is all that I have left. If you take away my power then what am I. You can't do this." Then with a slightly menacing look in his eye he finished with "I won't let you."

Lister looked at him, this was the only way to get her back. It was Rimmer or Kochanski and he knew who he would pick.

"Rimmer, what you going to do, glare at me!" said Lister.

"No something far worse. I'll jettison your guitar out into outer space if you don't withdraw your command." Said Rimmer threatenly.

Lister looked at him with confidence. "You haven't got my guitar Rimmer, I had it this morning, I checked." Said Lister grinning.

Rimmer turned to the vid screen and gave a command.

"Display Camera 131 sector 4 level 2 please."

An image of an airlock containing one guitar looking very much like Listers is displayed. The camera pulls back and they both can see a scutter with his claw hovering dangerously close to the release button.

Listers grin dropped away. "How? When? Rimmer you're a total smeghead. You would not dare." Stated Lister.

"Lister I'm a pretty desperate man, I'd dare to do a lot of things right now." Said Rimmer in a dangerous sounding voice.

Lister looked from Rimmer to the guitar in the air lock and back again. He knew the smegger might just do it as well. "OK, OK Ill do it!" said Lister giving in.

Rimmer smiled and called Holly.

"Holly, can you bring up Listers career file please, he has a request to make." Said Rimmer beaming.

Lister looked at him with displeasure. "You know Rimmer you really are a twisted son of a smeghead."

Rimmer nodded. "Yes but I am one that gets what he wants. Now Holly where is that file?"

Holly displayed the file. "Hang on a tick somethings a miss here dudes." He said.

"What?" asked Lister

"I think I've made a bit of a booboo." Said Holly.

Rimmer chipped in. "What have you done now Holly?" he asked.

"Well you know we thought Dave here passed his Chef exam, right?" said Holly.

The both nodded.

Holly continued "Well it turns out I got some names mixed up. Before the accident there was a D. Blister that took and passed the exam but never received the news because he like everyone else was turned to dust."

Rimmer prodded. "And?"

"Well see the funny thing is, Lister and Blister down a lot alike see, and so Lister here never passed the exam, his result shows that he failed."

"WHAT!" said both Rimmer and Lister at the same time.

"You mean I'm not an officer?" asked Lister.

"You mean he's still a lowly piece of space bum?" asked Rimmer.

Holly nodded to both counts. "Yes and yes. Sorry about that Dave."

"It is OK, I never really wanted the title anyway, it would of spoilt my reputation." Said Lister.

Rimmer looked at Lister. "Lister you don't have a reputation, unless you count the one that you have more food on your shirt than on your plate when dinning."

"Yeah well that maybe but someones got to keep the space bums in line and that's me. Just call me Officer Bum!" said Lister giving Rimmer a mock salute then turning and walking off down the corridor.

Rimmer turned to Holly. "Err Holly, how long have you known about this little mistake?" he asked.

"Oh since the start, I just thought it would be a laugh." Said Holly grinning.

"YOU GOIT!" said Rimmer who also turned and headed off down the corridor.

The End.

**Thank you for reading to the end. Another story done. I hope it was fleshed out enough, I wanted to keep it short well about the length of a classic TV episode. Until next time - Andy**


End file.
